someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
