Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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