Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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