mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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