he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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