Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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