Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
