You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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