Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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