checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
