I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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