im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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