Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
