If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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