Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
