Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
