I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
