neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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