my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
