The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize