Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm too high and old for this...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
