how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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