its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize