his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
