Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize