Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
