Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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