I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
