Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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