I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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