I need help removing her.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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