1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize