She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize