I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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