a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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