I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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