I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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