your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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