....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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