I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
