forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
