In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
