I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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