I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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