i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
