What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
