do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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