you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
