Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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