I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
