I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
