turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
