He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
