What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
