Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
