DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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