walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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