i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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