Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
